365 Days (2020)

Credit: Netflix

Directed by: Tomasz Mandes, Barbara Bialowas
Written by: Tomasz Klimala (Screenplay), Blanka Lipińska (Novel)

Starring: Anna Maria Sielucka, Michele Morrone

NSFW

This post is inspired by Scaachi Koul’s write-up at Buzzfeed. I recommend checking it out, she’s a better writer than me.

365 Days is a film where two actors that hate each other act like they like each other, and then fuck all the time. Its premise is somewhat novel: a mafia boss kidnaps a girl he saw on a beach once and gives her 365 days to fall in love with him; if she does not, she is free to go. We’ve all been there.

So we’re looking at a Beauty and the Beast situation in a modern context and whose difference is not subtle at all. The film tries to transgress or subvert that formula by presenting The Beast as a thoroughly unlikable asshole through its whole runtime. As the head honcho in charge of a large crime syndicate, Massimo (not Mossimo, the clothing guru who bribed college administrators to put his daughter through college) is more of a caricature of a person. He is used to getting everything he wants no matter what and won’t take no for an answer, especially concerning the feels of women. He is played as a cold, dead-eyed dickhead by Michele Morrone who takes or shows no joy in the role whatsoever.

By contrast, Anna Maria Sielucka is Laura, the woman from the beach and Massimo’s, um, target of affection. She is shown early on to have some agency and a bit of a plucky personality, and pushes back against Massimo an appropriate amount (100%) after she’s kidnapped. The problem is that Massimo is not well-meaning or earnest in his proposition, being the crime-bred character he is. So even when she says ‘no, not gonna happen now or ever,’ and exercises that agency and pluckiness of hers, he basically threatens to rape her and tells her that ‘um actually you will fall in love with me in 365 days or else.’ The only thing missing is him running his thumb across his neck or saying she’d be sleeping with the fishes. It’s an erotic rape fantasy made manifest, and some viewers will likely take issue with that.

Eventually, she does give in to his advances, probably more due to Stockholm Syndrome than anything else. It’s here where all character development is thrown out the window and some really savage fucking begins. This is what audiences were waiting for and 365 Days delivers, almost with a wink, pushing the envelope when and wherever it can all the while. I can’t discuss it much further without sounding like a total perv, but in sum it is borderline pornography and if you’re watching this on family movie night you may end up feeling awkward and embarrassed for a long while afterwards. It screams 90’s late-night Cinemax fare, the kind of dreck you’d get satellite TV for and skip around the other channels until it gets to the good stuff. And in spite of all the love-making going on, there’s just no love that’s happening at all, so the blue ball-inducing buildup transitions into a vignette of carnal scenes that mostly feel unearned. You’d be better off watching real porn, not that I would know anything about that.

What we’re left with is a film that gets a little hot in a few places but falls flat in plenty of others. The leads sleepwalk through all of the non-erotic scenes whose overall conclusion is boring and nonsensical. The film’s score sounds like some low-rent bullshit from Soundcloud that bashes your head in with how on the nose it gets. Some of the photography is good but feels aimless and uninspired. Italy looks nice this time of year.

365 Days is a film that preys on folks who, as Scaachi Koul from BuzzFeed writes, are “too nervous to just take the plunge and type ‘pornhub’ into a browser.” It attempts to know its audience better than the audience knows itself. In my opinion, it doesn’t succeed. I recommend viewing this only if you don’t know where to look for hot people doing it anywhere else on Earth.

D

Cinderella (1950)

Directed by: Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson, Hamilton Luske
Starring: Ilene Woods, Eleanor Audley

Cinderella is the first of an epic trilogy of animated feature films where a teenager whose abuse and neglect at the hands of her stepmother and sisters forms the basis of her chronic schizophrenia. The girl gets on with her life by doing various chores around their Gilded-Age mansion while talking to and sewing clothes for a bunch of freeloading rodents. When it is decreed that the Prince of the Realm wants to get laid and is throwing a ball to do just that, Cinderella’s dreams of escape are realized and she summons an impish old biddy to transform her and her furry friends into an enchanted entourage in a manic display of ultimate power.

The film focuses on the stepmother and sisters’ attempts to stop her from usurping the Prince’s mind, taking his throne, and leading the Kingdom down its darkest timeline of gloom and doom. It’s a pretty tragic story, actually, and typical of Disney’s early works where they took risks by using some wonderful visuals juxtaposed with heavy themes. It’s a work that holds up well even today, with lavish details and attentions  paid to the set-up and pay-off made in its various acts.  It’s a demonstration so masterful that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was found in academic circles as some kind of golden standard.

I’m disappointed in the over-use of the animals.  But I guess if you really think about it, Cinderella as a story doesn’t have much going for it. It’s a story about how dreams, no matter how lofty they seem, can come true if you just wish hard enough. Girl dreams of guy. Guy dreams of banging 150 girls. Guy throws ostentatious ball. Guy gets girl. Game, set, match; that sort of thing. So a little embellishment is needed to get from point A to point B I guess. Regardless, Cinderella serves as a fine example of the work and the passion that put Disney on the map of greatness. It really is a work of art to be proud of; and it’s so great to see them continue to shamelessly plunder it today.

B+

John Tucker Must Die (2006)

Directed by: Betty Thomas
Starring: Brittany Snow, Jesse Metcalfe

Yep. It’s a teen movie. A bunch of beautiful teens slink around a beautiful high school trying to get laid while ostensibly discovering their true feelings, identities, and/or sexual preferences. Chances are high that this beautiful high school is somewhere in beautiful California. Probably L.A. People’s beautiful high school reputations are at beautiful stake as they plot and scheme to fuck each other or fuck each other over on their collective quest to become a beautiful legend or something among a beautiful crowd of peers notorious for not remembering or caring about any of that beautiful fucking crap.

I’m trying very hard not to sound jaded here; I don’t have the enthusiasm. John Tucker Must Die (JTMD if you’re sassy) simply doesn’t achieve anything new. The movie is about an invisible beautiful girl who moves from town to town. She and Jenny McCarthy have settled in some upscale hamlet in beautiful California, where she finds herself struggling to fit in. Meanwhile, the most popular kid in school is reveling in his ability to play the field and date several beautiful girls at once. Our invisible beautiful heroine is not part of this fun. When it’s revealed that he ain’t nuthin’ but a beautiful playa, the estranged ex-girlfriends involve our heroine in a plot to destroy his beautiful reputation because they are shallow and also incapable of getting over him. Everything culminates not in a school dance but with a party that looks like a school dance. This shows us that yes, this teen movie is different than the rest of them and is complicated and has a lot of depth to it. For starters, did you know they all drink alcohol?

While the overall plot has nothing going for it really, I will say one thing about this film that I found to be really good. JTMD is totally an actor’s movie. And JTMD’s cast had a lot of fun making this movie. This is most obvious in a frenetic scene where it is revealed that main character Kate (Brittany Snow) hasn’t really kissed anyone before, at least not well. She and Beth (Sophia Bush) are in John Tucker’s Jeep discussing how to deal with this sudden change in the plan to ruin him because he’s going to drive Kate home and likely give her a good night kiss which will, like, most definitely ruin the whole thing. Beth is the loose one of the group and she lays on a seduction so convincing to Kate that as she and John are driving home later you can see it in her face: she is clearly turned on. The best part is that John has no idea and starts talking to her about music and stuff. It’s a wonderful little blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment that I wish appeared more in an otherwise bland teen movie.

C+

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Directed by: Tim Burton

There are probably a few things one should consider when one fucks around with someone whose hands are made of scissors. The first and most important issue is that THE DUDE’S HANDS ARE MADE OF SCISSORS. The other things are negligible in light of this fact, actually. If one’s precautions aren’t on full alert by now, nothing more can be said or done that could improve one’s survival odds.

It might also do some good to think through a decision to invite a dude whose scissors are hands into your house to sleep in your beautiful teenage daughter’s waterbed a little more carefully. This is especially true if there is a hide-a-bed (and ample space, booze) in the basement. If you need to raise a 20 year-old manchild that looks like a manic-depressive serial killer–and who wouldn’t–segregating him from your children for at least a week is probably the most practical idea. Dude’s gotta acclimate first.

Should a guy with scissors for hands be allowed to love? Gosh, I don’t know. Probably. Should a teenage girl start swooning over him within a week of his arrival, especially after her first meeting with him, where he is laying nervously in her bed, watching her undress while his scissors splay toward the ceiling? Meh, just laugh it off at a family reunion later or something. But it’s completely out of the question to have him carve a gigantic–no, COLOSSAL–block of ice into a swan in the middle of warm summer night. That’s where I draw the line, movie. Where did the ice come from? Where did he get that giant ladder? How can Winona Ryder be the only one who sees him going to town on this thing and making all kinds of noise? What would her pent up melodrama look like without an epic soundtrack and slo-mo camera present? Why are the neighbors such catty bitches? Why has the dilapidated evil mansion on the hill not been turned over to the city or a groundskeeper or meth addicts? I demand answers, dammit!

B

The Core (2003)

Directed by: Jon Amiel
Written by: Cooper Layne, John Rogers
Starring: Hilary Swank, Aaron Eckhart, Stanley Tucci, D.J. Qualls

I wonder how stressful it is to be a screenwriter. Day in, day out, endlessly shopping your shitty script from studio to studio, agency to agency, homeless guy to homeless guy. All so you can afford that next tin of cat food that screams romance and stability because you eat it at night and by candlelight. It’s a daily struggle I’m sure.

It’s all good, man. Because you have an idea, an idea so goddamn awesome that its very power can change the world. Now if only you can find someone to understand its significance. Someone who will call you and pay a shitzillion dollars for it. It’s not about the money, though, even if it helps. Cat food is pretty gross. Unless you’re eating a duck. Duck is pretty good.

So someone approaches you with an offer you can’t refuse. They’ll pay… a marginal amount for the screenplay, say 60 dollars. Enough to get through the weekend with some grapes or something. So when they come back with changes to make to your beautiful beautiful script, where everything needs to be changed, what do you do? Do you compromise your integrity so you can put food on the table? Or do you stick to your principles and say ‘no way, no how.’

And if the movie flops terribly, who falls on the sword? Certainly not the actors, one of whom might have an Oscar or two under her belt (this is called a ‘get’). Certainly not the CGI people, they’re just doing what they’re told. And certainly not the director or the foley guys or the cinematographer or even the caterers. The accolades for producing a terrible piece of shit do not go to the producer, the stunt doubles, the scientific consultants brought in to talk about the science stuff, or the set designer. No, it’s the humble screenwriter who commits career seppuku. He and he alone is responsible for the abysmal shitshow that is The Core. And so nothing of value is lost when he is flushed out of his loft at an animal shelter and run out of town, never to be seen or heard again.

C-

 

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

Directed by: Chris Columbus
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman

At this point anything I say in this review has probably already been said and I don’t need to embellish anything anymore.  Harry Potter is an institution that has more than proven its worth to people.  The books are all quite good, filled with all sorts of ideas that make you think ‘shit, why didn’t I think of that?’  So it’s obvious that someone got a hold of this brilliant property that has swept the imagination of the world and shouted from the rooftops, “GET ME CHRIS COLUMBUS, THIS NEEDS TO BE A MOVIE THIS INSTANT.”  And thus history was made.

HP&tSS is a fantasy movie about a boy who is suffering a crisis of extreme abuse and neglect at the hands of his foster parents.  He spends the better parts of his days locked inside of a small closet below a flight of stairs fantasizing about how being a wizard who saved the world when he was a baby.  As his confinement worsens, he dreams of a magical schoolhouse where all the wizard and witch kids take lessons in magic and wizardry, replete with its own haunted mysteries and quirky inhabitants.   Here at Hogwarts Harry is no longer locked away and forgotten; actually, he is a bit of a celebrity.  His defeat of the Big Bad Voldemort when he was a tiny toddler resonates within the wizarding world even 10 years later. Students and professors alike lavish him with their attention and praises.  He even secures a place on the local Quidditch team as a Seeker, being the youngest player of the crazy dangerous sport for over a century.  It’s the perfect childhood fantasy that has set the stage for volumes and volumes of copycats and fanfiction for years to come.

As far as book adaptations go, Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone is pretty much a beat-for-beat copy.  It is an adventure that begins and ends with a quaint little cherry on top, and as a children’s film it is bound to delight.  Watching it in an era where CGI is far more realistic makes it difficult during scenes where they had some trouble with the green-screens–Quidditch in particular–but the magic and monsters still look good enough today to be remembered fondly.

The issues I have with it stem from the adaptation itself; key plot points don’t seem to be as well connected or make a whole lot of sense as they do in the book.  A lot of stuff happens in Harry’s head that makes better sense in context, the magic mirror being the best example (though they make considerable effort at this very important moment).  Why the Sorcerer’s Stone is important also feels kind of glazed over, as does the origin of the invisibility cloak and the presence of the villain.  Encounters with Snape and Malfoy feel a lot more forced on film as well.  Actually this seems to be the tone of the whole movie.  Things are just kind of there hanging out, hoping you’ve either read the book or are too busy looking at something else to ask questions.  It’s not a terrible movie, but a Needs Improvement sticker could be put on its report card.

B

American Hustle (2013)

Directed by: David O. Russell
Starring: Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence

American Hustle is a talkie about some small-time grifters getting swindled into becoming stool pigeons for a hotshot copper.  This copper wants to shylock some bastard politicals into accepting bribes that will land him a promotion and maybe even a boat.  This john is ballsy enough to try and slip some of the D to the leading dame played by American Treasure Amy Adams, who is no dumb dora.

Terrible 20s slang aside, what I remember most about this excellent, excellent picture is a Daily Show interview that Amy Adams had where she and Jon Stewart talked about how talented Jennifer Lawrence is during the whole thing.  Having seen this interview, and having then watched this movie several months later, and having realized how excellent of a film it is indeed, I now understand what they were talking about and have no choice but to agree.  Jennifer Lawrence steals the fucking show and, in a film packing some serious heat already, that is really saying something.  The other performances are good too–Christian Bale is going full on method again–but there is something seriously amazing about what she does with her role as a trashy and manipulative trophy wife.  It must be seen to be believed, especially when she and Amy share screentime together.  These two should do another movie together, and soon.

David O. Russell packs a lot of energy into a runtime of two hours, the kind of energy that demands your attention at all times with its high strung ambition.  As a film about con-artists, a few twists, double crosses, and swerves are to be expected; so if you blink, you are probably going to miss something.  But this isn’t a bad thing; you’ll just have to go back in time and relive some incredible performances over and over again until you get it right. 

A

 

Unbreakable (2000)

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Bruce Willis; Samuel L. Jackson

Unbreakable attempts to apply a mature spin to comic books by introducing a modern day superhero named David Dunn a full four years before Batman began. David Dunn’s bones are discovered to be, well, unbreakable after he survives a hideous train crash off-camera. He is intercepted by his karmic opposite, a man whose bones break far too easily due to having a rare medical condition, who prompts him to consider becoming a real life crime fighter. David refuses to believe in destiny; all he wants is to return to his normal life to rebuild his failing marriage by quietly and vaguely spouting expository dialogue to his wife.

This film is not very good for exactly one reason: Bruce Willis does not crawl out of a hideous train wreck unscathed as expected. Rather, it skips that whole interesting part and goes straight to the waiting room of the hospital where he takes a lone walk to embrace his child in a droll robotic way. This crucial event permanently sets the tone of a movie where every other scene is void of any energy or heart, and overflowing with contempt. Sets are drab and everyone looks tired; dialogue between characters is plodding and quiet and stilted and lacking in agency.  Yes people, you’re in a movie.  Why not look alive a little?

Excitement is lacking in a film where excitement should be everywhere. Take the most iconic scene of the movie for example: Bruce Willis is in the basement with his son and a weight bench; they discover together that he can keep adding more and more weight to the bar and he can still heft it like it’s nothing. A discovery like that should be thrilling, should bring them closer together. But all of the energy is subdued for some reason; the son hangs out in the closet because he’s afraid but I don’t know what he’s supposed to be afraid of. It’s quietly revealed that Bruce can lift over 300 pounds. Probably more. But the son admires his father. What??

Something worse: Bruce Willis doesn’t make use of this newfangled superhero power! He actually has another one where he senses the crimes people have done simply by touching them. I guess he’s unbreakable in the sense that he probably won’t get killed whilst dispensing some vigilante justice, but ultimately with a film that touts its character as being Unbreakable you want to see him save the day by lifting a stadium like Magneto.  How about a swell of excitement as he punches people in the skulls in a bout of self-destructive behavior? How about he joins a sideshow and goes on little adventures around the country being a Strong Man? What is this movie about, anyway? … Other than boring people in boring scenes? Man, Samuel L. Jackson looks so bored trying to convince bored Bruce Willis to do whatever. Everyone looks bored, actually. I’m bored! You’re bored. This whole review is bored! Even the twist is bored! I can’t stand it!

Unbreakable is a film that takes an awesome idea and sweeps it under the rug. It evokes feelings of boredom and contempt in its audience by presenting a muddled message as some vague call to action. It’s quiet, it’s dull, and its confused about what it should be: thriller, drama, crime, or other?  I guess I just don’t get it, like, it’s supposed to be deeper or something.  Some commentary about heroes and villains being binary and opposite forces.  Uh, are there people out there that don’t know that?  Ugh, whatever.  Skip it.

C-

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: A Lot of People

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a star-studded comic book extrrrravaganza in which Edward Scissorhands is sent back in time to save the world. In traditional comic book fashion the film is a retcon of sorts, taking notable effort to cover up certain… mistakes made in previous X-Men series using copious amounts of colorful explosions, magic, and melodrama. It’s all quite fun, actually.

The time is around 1973. The Vietnam War is drawing to a merciful end. A defeated and beleaguered ‘Murica is packing it in, tail between its legs. Meanwhile, Tyrion Lannister is on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that could rewrite history: his creation of superhuman cyborgs called Sentinels with the ability to detect and eradicate the meddlesome mutant peoples voted most likely to destroy the human race in his high school yearbook. His apparent assassination by a troubled Mystique sets off a butterfly effect that leads to a future of ruin, one in which neither Normal nor Mutant will survive should the rise of the machines have its way. Earth is fucked.

So as luck has it, Ellen Page is on hand at the top of the movie to give the mutants, lead by Professor X and Magneto together at last, one last hurrah. She uses a peculiar and convenient time turning ability to send Wolverine’s consciousness back to the past to reunite young Charles Xavier and Erik… Magneto so they can stop Mystique from being a foolish git and ruining everyone’s lives. Wolverine’s time is limited to the length of a feature film as the Sentinels home in on their post-apocalyptic location. Gau, I hope he makes it on time.

As I said, this film is a repackaging of sorts that ostensibly retells the origin of the X-Men story when in truth Marvel appears more interested in hitting the Reset button on the whole deal. I don’t mind; comic books do this a lot and it allows fan favorites some necessary shore leave to see their families. However, I am slightly disappointed that this was more of a Wolverine movie when young X, Magneto, and Mystique absolutely kill it on their own. If they would’ve been kind enough to consult me on the matter, this should’ve been the third of an epic trilogy and this, the second, should’ve had the young mutants deal with some other angsty or borderline racist-yet-smaller problem. The present really can wait, ya know? Pass the torch already! Gau! You were doing so well with First Class!

B+

Turn Me On, Dammit! (2011)

Directed by:  Jannicke Systad Jacobsen
Starring:  Helene Bergsholm

Turn Me On, Dammit! is a Norwegian coming of age story about a small town girl named Alma who is overwhelmed with the desire to bang everything.  She finds herself the laughing stock of the community after confessing that her childhood crush put his dick on her thigh (not kidding) at a party.  He denies everything of course, and now Alma must find a way to restore her good name while still doing her best to contain her relentless restless horniness.

While the description suggests that there might be some really heavy themes going on with this film, that is definitely not the case.  Turn Me On, Dammit! puts a more comedic and light-hearted spin on what might otherwise be a very serious matter.  It eschews social justice by containing Alma’s problem into a quest, prompting her to solve everything herself.  It’s a bold move for a small movie to avoid such social commentary; but if you ask me doing so was the right decision.  Not every production has to be an ostentatious Hollywood affair.  A small story comes as a relief sometimes, like comfort food.

Charm is the underlying heartbeat of this film.  All of the characters feel normal and real; and the situation might bear some resemblance to things that really did happen in a small town out in the middle of nowhere somewhere.  Helene Bergsholm does a great job emoting her frustrations and expressing her feelings as Alma the sexually frustrated deviant.  Having grown up in a small town myself, I could certainly understand being in her situation would be rather difficult, one far worse than a voodoo shop curse the Wiccan witches could think of.  And Alma is dignified in the face of things.  She does what any smalltown girl might do, given the same situation.  I wanted to see her succeed because I wanted to help and comfort her.  She could not be blamed for anything.

Turn Me On, Dammit! is a fine film that contains a big problem comfortably within the confines of a small story.  It is not overbearing, it is not pretentious, I’m not even sure if it is trying to say anything.  It is a thing that is, and it aims to warm your heart by reminding us of the ways that we are human.  Give it a go; it’s definitely not all in the poster.

A