Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

Directed by: Chris Columbus
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman

At this point anything I say in this review has probably already been said and I don’t need to embellish anything anymore.  Harry Potter is an institution that has more than proven its worth to people.  The books are all quite good, filled with all sorts of ideas that make you think ‘shit, why didn’t I think of that?’  So it’s obvious that someone got a hold of this brilliant property that has swept the imagination of the world and shouted from the rooftops, “GET ME CHRIS COLUMBUS, THIS NEEDS TO BE A MOVIE THIS INSTANT.”  And thus history was made.

HP&tSS is a fantasy movie about a boy who is suffering a crisis of extreme abuse and neglect at the hands of his foster parents.  He spends the better parts of his days locked inside of a small closet below a flight of stairs fantasizing about how being a wizard who saved the world when he was a baby.  As his confinement worsens, he dreams of a magical schoolhouse where all the wizard and witch kids take lessons in magic and wizardry, replete with its own haunted mysteries and quirky inhabitants.   Here at Hogwarts Harry is no longer locked away and forgotten; actually, he is a bit of a celebrity.  His defeat of the Big Bad Voldemort when he was a tiny toddler resonates within the wizarding world even 10 years later. Students and professors alike lavish him with their attention and praises.  He even secures a place on the local Quidditch team as a Seeker, being the youngest player of the crazy dangerous sport for over a century.  It’s the perfect childhood fantasy that has set the stage for volumes and volumes of copycats and fanfiction for years to come.

As far as book adaptations go, Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone is pretty much a beat-for-beat copy.  It is an adventure that begins and ends with a quaint little cherry on top, and as a children’s film it is bound to delight.  Watching it in an era where CGI is far more realistic makes it difficult during scenes where they had some trouble with the green-screens–Quidditch in particular–but the magic and monsters still look good enough today to be remembered fondly.

The issues I have with it stem from the adaptation itself; key plot points don’t seem to be as well connected or make a whole lot of sense as they do in the book.  A lot of stuff happens in Harry’s head that makes better sense in context, the magic mirror being the best example (though they make considerable effort at this very important moment).  Why the Sorcerer’s Stone is important also feels kind of glazed over, as does the origin of the invisibility cloak and the presence of the villain.  Encounters with Snape and Malfoy feel a lot more forced on film as well.  Actually this seems to be the tone of the whole movie.  Things are just kind of there hanging out, hoping you’ve either read the book or are too busy looking at something else to ask questions.  It’s not a terrible movie, but a Needs Improvement sticker could be put on its report card.

B

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: A Lot of People

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a star-studded comic book extrrrravaganza in which Edward Scissorhands is sent back in time to save the world. In traditional comic book fashion the film is a retcon of sorts, taking notable effort to cover up certain… mistakes made in previous X-Men series using copious amounts of colorful explosions, magic, and melodrama. It’s all quite fun, actually.

The time is around 1973. The Vietnam War is drawing to a merciful end. A defeated and beleaguered ‘Murica is packing it in, tail between its legs. Meanwhile, Tyrion Lannister is on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that could rewrite history: his creation of superhuman cyborgs called Sentinels with the ability to detect and eradicate the meddlesome mutant peoples voted most likely to destroy the human race in his high school yearbook. His apparent assassination by a troubled Mystique sets off a butterfly effect that leads to a future of ruin, one in which neither Normal nor Mutant will survive should the rise of the machines have its way. Earth is fucked.

So as luck has it, Ellen Page is on hand at the top of the movie to give the mutants, lead by Professor X and Magneto together at last, one last hurrah. She uses a peculiar and convenient time turning ability to send Wolverine’s consciousness back to the past to reunite young Charles Xavier and Erik… Magneto so they can stop Mystique from being a foolish git and ruining everyone’s lives. Wolverine’s time is limited to the length of a feature film as the Sentinels home in on their post-apocalyptic location. Gau, I hope he makes it on time.

As I said, this film is a repackaging of sorts that ostensibly retells the origin of the X-Men story when in truth Marvel appears more interested in hitting the Reset button on the whole deal. I don’t mind; comic books do this a lot and it allows fan favorites some necessary shore leave to see their families. However, I am slightly disappointed that this was more of a Wolverine movie when young X, Magneto, and Mystique absolutely kill it on their own. If they would’ve been kind enough to consult me on the matter, this should’ve been the third of an epic trilogy and this, the second, should’ve had the young mutants deal with some other angsty or borderline racist-yet-smaller problem. The present really can wait, ya know? Pass the torch already! Gau! You were doing so well with First Class!

B+

The Hunger Games (2012)

Directed by:  Gary Ross
Starring:  Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson

The Hunger Games is a movie that’s based on a book that’s based on an idea that nerds have been arguing over the origin of for decades.  Katniss Everdeen volunteers as Tribute from one of the poorer districts of a dystopian country named Panem in place of her super adorable younger sister.  As Tribute, she is whisked away from her Amish slummy hunter-gatherer lifestyle into the upper echelons of a fabulously wealthy society where people consume shitloads of calories and have weird hair.  Here she prepares for the titular Hunger Games competition in which teenagers annually slaughter each other while the crowd screams for their blood.  The winner are declared when only one is left standing.

The movie is split into two parts.  Part one is what I like to call “The Exposition.”  It is here we get a good look at a totally crapsack world where poor people live in squalor and filth while the rich people live in utopias (a utopia?) far removed from those who suffer.  It gives a sense of why the Games exist and just how fucked the lower classes of Panem are, even though it looks like these lower classes do all the labor.  And then there’s part two: what I like to call “The Ol’ Ultra Violence.” In which The Hunger Games begins in earnest and a bunch of teenagers start to murder each other with sparkling medieval weaponry and unusual enthusiasm.

Overall, The Hunger Games is a film that works in both concept and execution.  Jennifer Lawrence lives as Katniss both in poise and personality.  As for the rest of the cast, I have no misgivings about any of them; they all do a fine job, though Ms. Lawrence clearly carries the majority of the runtime.  It has more grit than the typical young-adult film especially once the Games begin.  Allowing teenagers to be killed violently on screen was an important and interesting move.  I’m mostly sure other directors or editors would have liberally used jump cuts to communicate this necessary roughness down to a mere implication.  But amping the stakes this way made the hour long build-up to part two really matter.

One more thought: someone else mentioned that this film should have served as some kind of commentary about our society.  I don’t think it should be held to that standard.  If you ask me, this film doesn’t have that kind of responsibility.  Yes, there are some creepy visuals about some nuclear war or whatever but this is more of an underdog story than it is anything political.  The people have all accepted this bizarre reality in which they were bred.  It’s too early to rise against it right now.  Let’s have an adventure and push that particular melodrama onto the sequels.  That’s what sequels are for: for when the initial shock wears off and for when these impressionable young teenagers become boring old adults.

A

Mistborn: The Final Empire (2006)

Written By: Brandon Sanderson
Published By: Tor Books

So there once was a time when I was young and full of energy and ambition.  I liked to write stories fairly frequently, but the stories tended to not go many places and ultimately they ended up as derivative works inspired by other works that people did a whole lot better at this whole writing thing than I could ever hope to anyway (see what I mean?).  My primary influences during this time were video games, and if you were to read these embarrassing manuscripts that I eventually stopped creating for a number of reasons, you would see just how much their presence overwhelmed my every thought.  In addition to that, I could not bear to take any project all the way to the end and oftentimes I would purposely cut my narrative short because I got bored or didn’t know how to connect things together in any meaningful way.

Mistborn: The Final Empire reads to me very much like one of those early manuscripts.  In fact, I could’ve written something just like it if only I had just persevered in my desires to become a highly successful and well-loved fantasy author.  It is a manuscript that is largely mechanical in its execution that has an interesting premise, an efficient setup, and a really good payoff, but isn’t without its flaws.

The book tells the story of an efficient-by-design group of people who have come together to overthrow an oppressive fundamental regime.  The leader of the group is a very charismatic older dude by the name of Kelsier, who of course has a rough past that underlies his entire motivation.  He is also what this mythos styles as an “Allomancer,” or a guy who can perform various super-human feats after swallowing tinctures of pure metal.  He brings in a very young (and very abused) street urchin from the lower castes of the imperial society due to her inborn abilities as an Allomancer in which is revealed that she possesses a lot of natural skill.  As the story progresses, we see plans getting planned, plans getting foiled, foils getting planned, and plans foiling plans.  Throughout all this foolery, we are treated to a needlessly cryptic backstory about what being a Mistborn means and what drives the characters and why the world is as insufferable as it is–tropes typical for this type of work.

As a fantasy adventure novel, Mistborn: The Final Empire certainly succeeds in telling a story that has its ups and downs.  Things get set up, things get paid off, things get tied together, and there is action that drives characters to respond to changes in the situation.  Sprinkled within are various commentaries about social orders, slavery, corruption in government, thievery, and so on.  For the purposes of action and or adventure, it is as adequate as they come.

Problems arise, however, in the ways Allomancy, the lynchpin in which the whole mythology revolves, is handled.  This book takes a weird approach in separating itself from the normal mechanics of swords and sorcery.  Basically, there are 8 or so different types of metal that endow Allomancers with various powers like telekinesis or improved senses.  The main difference between full-blown Allomancers and the lesser-powered “Mistings” is that Allomancers have full access to all of these metals while Mistings may only utilize one to its full potential.  In a sense, this balances the magic in ways that keep things grounded in reality and allows tension to come and go whenever required, and safely redefines the magic formula.

But when Allomancy itself comes into play, it is handled very much like a video game in that practitioners can “take stock” in abilities they have at their disposal, they can “cast” their powers much like wizards can, and have a way to kind of monitor their remaining resources in what can only be described as a Magic Meter sort of way.  When first confronted with a situation that can only be resolved using Allomancy, its use is ramrodded right into the narrative and doesn’t make any sense at all.  This execution, at first, is surprisingly dry and even pragmatic.  Characters “burn” the metal, and then they “stop burning” the metal at whatever times the plot dictates.  I guess there is something to be said about showing and not telling, but at least get some subtlety in there, novel.  Geez.

Anyway, the dry mechanics surrounding Allomancy take some getting used to, but it won’t completely keep you off guard.  The other problems that arise are within the narrative itself.  The rest of the text is also dry and pragmatic, unless there is an action scene.  Internal monologues show up within character points-of-view that are sometimes appropriate, sometimes not, and when it’s not appropriate it really sticks out.  Character motivations are quickly summarized in some italicized text just to make sure the reader is still paying attention, and many characters are also either really annoying or just flatline completely even when their successes are not guaranteed.  Kelsier, for instance, is supposed to be a really self-confident dude with a shaky past full of tragedy, betrayal, and loss.  He’s always smiling and joking around, always looking ahead to a brighter future I guess, but at the same time we are given too much information about what drives him and what motivates him through some poorly placed internal monologues that don’t leave us wondering anything.  We don’t remain intrigued in him at all, which is a tad unfortunate.

The character Vin is also very hard to stomach at first.  Much like Kelsier, we are made fully aware of her faults and her internal conflicts, often because there is no better context where these elements can better fall into place.   We’re just given them as a sort of ‘thanks’ for continuing our slog through this story and it’s something we need to know in order to connect some dots later on in a very forced manner.  And it gets irritating.  It’s not bad storytelling, but if you are looking into the Mistborn series for a sense of thrill and intrigue, you’ll be plodding along for a while before the good shit starts to happen and the headaches stop.

That being said, once you reach the top of the arc for Mistborn: The Final Empire, you will be whisked away on a rollercoaster ride that is a real thrill, and will leave you wanting more when you reach the end.  As stories go, it hits all the beats required, there aren’t much in the way of surprises, but you will be entertained and at the very least interested in seeing where this world ends up.

B

Choice Passages:

“He is a Misting, Vin thought. Kelsier and Dockson called him a ‘Smoker.’ She would probably have to figure out what that meant on her own; experience told her that a powerful man like Kelsier would withhold knowledge from her as long as he could, stringing her along with occasional tidbits. His knowledge was what bound her to him–it would be unwise to give away too much too quickly.”

“Gritting his teeth, Kelsier flared his pewter again; it was running low, he noticed. Pewter was the fastest-burning of the basic eight metals.”

“Renoux studied her, and Vin glanced away. She didn’t like it when people looked at her that way–it made her wonder how they were going to try and use her.”

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark is a movie about two of my favorite things: archaeology and indiscriminate violence. It stars a young Harrison Ford as the illustrious Dr. Indiana Jones, a guy who kicks so much ass for the purposes of action and or adventure that I’ve no choice but to hand in my man-card. I could never be this guy, but I would love to be this guy. I’d love to traipse around the world, diving into obscure ruins, dodging poison darts, killing Nazis in cold blood, or frolic around in the grass the way Indy does; it really helps to woo the ladies.

So the premise of the film is fairly simple: Hitler is fascinated by the occult. He has sent a bunch of Nazi minions to Egypt to uncover the mysterious cosmic artifact known as the Ark of the Covenant. For those of you who don’t know, the Ark is the thingy that Hebrews hoisted around during Philistine times. It is thought to contain the original ten commandments as prescribed to Moses on top of Mt. Sinai, and was believed to bestow unlimited power unto its holders should they decide to raise an army.  Guess the Hebrews should’ve thought of that.  Anyways, Indiana Jones is sent by the U.S. Government to locate the lost Ark before the Nazis do, or else the world faces the greatest danger the world has ever seen: an unstoppable Nazi killing machine. And here I was thinking my job at Wal*Mart was hard.

As far as adventure films go, IJATROTLA is a pretty top notch effort. The story has a very clear beginning, middle, and end, and it’s pretty clear who we are supposed to root for the whole time. Combine that with classic Spielberg direction, where time gets extended in weird places and little tiny details and call-backs bring out the humanity of every character, and you get something that keeps you interested the whole time. It’s not meant to be incredibly deep.  Indy puts on his hat, punches a bunch of guys in the face, and bangs a girl at the end. It’s pretty much a James Bond film, only grittier.  And more awesome.  And with giant rolling balls.  And more awesome.

Also Alfred Molina is in it, which I thought was pretty cool.

A

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad is a collection of adaptations from two stories: The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving. In the first, a toad by the name of Mr. Toad is easily obsessive with new fads. He sells the prestigious Toad Hall to a bunch of weasels for a stolen motor vehicle. He ends up in jail and his friends The Mole, The Badger, and The Rat have to clear his name and get him out of there. The second story tells of a guy who wanders into the hamlet of Sleepy Hollow and takes the job of the local schoolmaster. Dude loves to eat and he really, really loves the ladies. So when the hottest lady in town shows up, he’s suitably impressed and does whatever he can to win her heart; but the town bully won’t let him win without a fight. Oh yeah, there’s something about a Headless Horseman in there, too.

This is one of Disney’s most average films. Although it follows the two texts relatively closely, the animation is notably dull; this could be due largely to the pastoral settings of both segments. The colors are mostly drab and washed out, possibly a product of the film’s age but I think it’s an un/successful attempt at casting a drab tone. The stories are also very short–roughly 25 minutes each–so there isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room in terms of development. Things happen, which lead to more things, and then things stop happening. Yawn.

I guess Disney wasn’t committed to turning either of these concepts into a full-length motion picture; maybe it was testing the waters or something? Up to this point the company’s last big picture was arguably Bambi, which came out in 1942, with every other film being only a package of cartoons that explored a myriad of concepts and tones in the vein of Fantasia. Perhaps it was tired of those, too; judging from the main movie list on the Wikipedia they went balls deep into full-length motion-picture territory after this one as a sort of return to form. Whatever the case, your kids may still pay attention to it. The first segment’s essentially a kiddie film, after all; the second segment’s probably enough to scare them a tiny bit but make their imaginations run wild for a time–your mileage may vary with that one.

C

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2001)

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust is the long awaited sequel to the original Vampire Hunter D that was released in 1985.  It continues the adventures of the half-human, half-vampire, erm, vampire hunter D.  D is called upon to save the day by the father of a girl who was kidnapped by a vampire nobleman.  This time, though, he has some worthy competition that can be found in the bounty hunter troupe known as the Marcus Brothers and some considerably powerful new enemies in a mutant tribe who call themselves the Barbarois.  D must race against the Marcus Brothers to retrieve the girl before she is ‘changed’ into a vampire so he may collect a sizable reward and rid the world of yet another vampire menace.

As sequels go, this film is much, much better than the original.  The art direction has vastly improved: visually, the post-apocalyptic Victorian landscape is stark and detailed.  The voice-acting is also top notch with heavy hitters like John DiMaggio and Mary Elizabeth McGlynn (two of my faves).  Also, D actually looks and sounds every part the badass hero!  He’s so cool, calm, and collected; one of the many thorough improvements to every aspect of this series.

The better production values really shine through in this movie.  Better facial animations enable D to show broader emotions and rare moments of weakness that resonate in ways the first movie could barely scrape together.  Additionally, by giving him a supporting cast of the Marcus Brothers, this crapsack world actually has some depth and resonance along with being amazing visually.  Overall, the enormous strides in plot fluidity and character dynamics help keep everything on the rails; the end result is that we know what the fuck is happening and they didn’t even have to spell anything out for us this time.

So a question you might have is this: “Do I need to watch the first movie to enjoy the second?”  The answer is simply “No.”  Very little continuity is addressed here and what questions may have popped up in the first movie are actually asked again in this one.  The writers understood that nearly 20 years of time between films can do a lot of damage to one’s memories of a franchise, but they resolve everything simply and subtly.  This is how sequels should be done.

A

9 (2009)

9 tells the story of a tiny automaton who awakens in a post-apocalyptic landscape where robots have killed all the humans.  Through a series of chance events, he encounters other automatons just like him. Wanting to know more about what caused all this chaos, he convinces a few to venture out of hiding to discover the truth of his creation and humanity’s ultimate demise.

This is a neat little film with some neat little visuals and some neat little characters.  I don’t really care for the post-apocalyptica and the brownness of everything, but the storyboard is executed well enough.  The supporting cast gives enough oomph to make my love/hate brain receptors fire up and there are some fine little details sprinkled throughout that keep things interesting.  The movie plays things safe and efficient when it comes to the plot, and at 79 or so minutes, everything is packed together nicely. 9 is a basic adventure that is eager to entertain.  I find that kind of simplicity pretty charming.

B+

City Slickers (1991)

City Slickers is a comedy about 3 40-something schlubs who are trying to rekindle their youth, their latest attempt being that of taking part in a cattle drive from New Mexico to Colorado.  The story focuses primarily on Billy Crystal, a guy with so much pessimism that he’s tearing his family and friendships apart. You see, he’s a guy that sells ad time on the radio and is ashamed that his life isn’t nearly as epic or glorious as it could have been.  Now, all of a sudden he’s nearly 40; where did all that time go?

Thematically, this film revolves around age.  Age is a little something that we all go through; we all also handle it very differently from each other.  Some people think they will be young forever and some people couldn’t give any more of a crap.  Still, some people live a life of regret and cynism.  It can be pretty brutal for someone who isn’t ready to inevitably age.  Quick lesson here: everybody gets old and everybody dies.  Be happy instead of some boring old bitty, k?  This also means do what makes you happy, so get the hell out of your computer chair or off your phone or whatever and go out on a goddamn adventure.

For what it’s worth, City Slickers is a straight-forward, unremarkable film.  The only thing that really sticks out is the cattle drive premise and it doesn’t appear immediately to be pulling any inspiration from the cinema-ether.  This might seem refreshing to a present-day film goer who expects his comedies to be rife with stupid in-jokes and gags.  While the film might incorporate some of these, it subdues them pretty decently; it opts instead to give Billy Crystal some air to spout witty, cynical dialogues.  Your mileage… and annoyance… may vary.

B