Unbreakable (2000)

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Bruce Willis; Samuel L. Jackson

Unbreakable attempts to apply a mature spin to comic books by introducing a modern day superhero named David Dunn a full four years before Batman began. David Dunn’s bones are discovered to be, well, unbreakable after he survives a hideous train crash off-camera. He is intercepted by his karmic opposite, a man whose bones break far too easily due to having a rare medical condition, who prompts him to consider becoming a real life crime fighter. David refuses to believe in destiny; all he wants is to return to his normal life to rebuild his failing marriage by quietly and vaguely spouting expository dialogue to his wife.

This film is not very good for exactly one reason: Bruce Willis does not crawl out of a hideous train wreck unscathed as expected. Rather, it skips that whole interesting part and goes straight to the waiting room of the hospital where he takes a lone walk to embrace his child in a droll robotic way. This crucial event permanently sets the tone of a movie where every other scene is void of any energy or heart, and overflowing with contempt. Sets are drab and everyone looks tired; dialogue between characters is plodding and quiet and stilted and lacking in agency.  Yes people, you’re in a movie.  Why not look alive a little?

Excitement is lacking in a film where excitement should be everywhere. Take the most iconic scene of the movie for example: Bruce Willis is in the basement with his son and a weight bench; they discover together that he can keep adding more and more weight to the bar and he can still heft it like it’s nothing. A discovery like that should be thrilling, should bring them closer together. But all of the energy is subdued for some reason; the son hangs out in the closet because he’s afraid but I don’t know what he’s supposed to be afraid of. It’s quietly revealed that Bruce can lift over 300 pounds. Probably more. But the son admires his father. What??

Something worse: Bruce Willis doesn’t make use of this newfangled superhero power! He actually has another one where he senses the crimes people have done simply by touching them. I guess he’s unbreakable in the sense that he probably won’t get killed whilst dispensing some vigilante justice, but ultimately with a film that touts its character as being Unbreakable you want to see him save the day by lifting a stadium like Magneto.  How about a swell of excitement as he punches people in the skulls in a bout of self-destructive behavior? How about he joins a sideshow and goes on little adventures around the country being a Strong Man? What is this movie about, anyway? … Other than boring people in boring scenes? Man, Samuel L. Jackson looks so bored trying to convince bored Bruce Willis to do whatever. Everyone looks bored, actually. I’m bored! You’re bored. This whole review is bored! Even the twist is bored! I can’t stand it!

Unbreakable is a film that takes an awesome idea and sweeps it under the rug. It evokes feelings of boredom and contempt in its audience by presenting a muddled message as some vague call to action. It’s quiet, it’s dull, and its confused about what it should be: thriller, drama, crime, or other?  I guess I just don’t get it, like, it’s supposed to be deeper or something.  Some commentary about heroes and villains being binary and opposite forces.  Uh, are there people out there that don’t know that?  Ugh, whatever.  Skip it.

C-

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: A Lot of People

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a star-studded comic book extrrrravaganza in which Edward Scissorhands is sent back in time to save the world. In traditional comic book fashion the film is a retcon of sorts, taking notable effort to cover up certain… mistakes made in previous X-Men series using copious amounts of colorful explosions, magic, and melodrama. It’s all quite fun, actually.

The time is around 1973. The Vietnam War is drawing to a merciful end. A defeated and beleaguered ‘Murica is packing it in, tail between its legs. Meanwhile, Tyrion Lannister is on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that could rewrite history: his creation of superhuman cyborgs called Sentinels with the ability to detect and eradicate the meddlesome mutant peoples voted most likely to destroy the human race in his high school yearbook. His apparent assassination by a troubled Mystique sets off a butterfly effect that leads to a future of ruin, one in which neither Normal nor Mutant will survive should the rise of the machines have its way. Earth is fucked.

So as luck has it, Ellen Page is on hand at the top of the movie to give the mutants, lead by Professor X and Magneto together at last, one last hurrah. She uses a peculiar and convenient time turning ability to send Wolverine’s consciousness back to the past to reunite young Charles Xavier and Erik… Magneto so they can stop Mystique from being a foolish git and ruining everyone’s lives. Wolverine’s time is limited to the length of a feature film as the Sentinels home in on their post-apocalyptic location. Gau, I hope he makes it on time.

As I said, this film is a repackaging of sorts that ostensibly retells the origin of the X-Men story when in truth Marvel appears more interested in hitting the Reset button on the whole deal. I don’t mind; comic books do this a lot and it allows fan favorites some necessary shore leave to see their families. However, I am slightly disappointed that this was more of a Wolverine movie when young X, Magneto, and Mystique absolutely kill it on their own. If they would’ve been kind enough to consult me on the matter, this should’ve been the third of an epic trilogy and this, the second, should’ve had the young mutants deal with some other angsty or borderline racist-yet-smaller problem. The present really can wait, ya know? Pass the torch already! Gau! You were doing so well with First Class!

B+

The Avengers (2012)

It’s a little late for my take on The Avengers.  I’m mostly convinced that everyone in America has seen it by now, what with it being like one of the highest grossing movies of all time and all.  But I’m going to take my place in the echo chamber of reaffirmation just the same.

The Avengers is a comic book movie about a bunch of guys and a girl who are tasked with the unenviable mission of saving the world.  It all starts when an archvillain named Loki bursts onto the scene and steals a magical box that will enable him to summon an army of space aliens that will aid in his take over Earth’s throne.  Nick Fury, the leader of an organization I’ll call SHIELD, assembles a rag tag crew of misfits who are no strangers to world-saving in order to prevent humanity’s impending doom because obviously no one else can.  At its heart, this is a movie about a motley crew overcoming their reservations about each other and joining together as a team to conquer normally insurmountable forces.  Pepper in a little Joss Whedon-styled bantery, and you have a recipe for one of the funnest blockbusters of the year.

So.  Comic book movies.  I’m pretty tired of them.  However, I was okay with The Avengers because I got to see more than just a guy or two overcome a villain because the villain is a meany-head.  I liked the interpersonal conflict.  I liked how each Avenger got just enough of his or her personality and abilities showcased.  I liked how self-aware everybody was, both of their place in the canon and the situation they were facing.  I would also like to thank Whedon/Marvel for at least acknowledging that New York City really got the short end of the stick when a bunch of aliens invaded and caused massive destruction and chaos on the ground.  It was a fun little spectacle with the right mix of levity and depth that makes it more than just a dumb action movie where things go boom.  This is a movie that lives comfortably with its own hype.

A

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

The Dark Knight Rises (or The Dark Knight II: Gothic Boogaloo) is the final volume of the epic Batman Reboot Saga directed by Christopher Nolan.  Eight years have passed since the events of The Dark Knight I.  Bruce Wayne is a crippled shut-in for some reason, lamenting the loss of his one true love Rachel Dawes.  Gotham’s streets have been swept up in a fury of justice thanks to the Harvey Dent Act–a law that basically allows cops to throw criminals in jail for whatever. The Goddamn Batman is a fugitive no one has seen in years, having taken the fall for the loss of Harvey Dent, his vigilante modus operandi no longer viable in a post-Two-Face world. As a result of all of this, Gotham has found itself in the midst of a Golden Age where no crime happens whatsoever and there’s no bad guy waiting in the wings to destroy it for any reason.  The end.

B+