The Lorax (2012)

The Lorax is a CGI feature film and adaptation of the Dr. Seuss children’s book of the same name. It is about a boy who wants to bang the girl next door really bad.  She suggests, as all girls usually do, that this might be possible if he were to bring her a IRL tree. This is because they live in the town of Thneedville which is governed by plastic and the omniscient O’Hare company that has made a fortune selling fresh air to the locals and no one except for Betty White actually know what a tree is. Also: trees don’t exist anymore because the humans cut them all down. In the pursuit of sex, the boy sets out to find the reclusive Once-Ler in a quest to discover what it takes to get the girl of his dreams in the sack and, through a series of flashbacks, the Once-Ler’s rise and fall is depicted alongside the wanton destruction of the environment at the hands of filthy unwashed human interference despite the titular Lorax’s attempts to dissuade him.

Because this is a children’s film made for children based on a short children’s book that was also made for children, The Lorax faces roughly three challenges. 1) Keep the kids distracted using cheap gags and cut-aways early and often. 2) Keep adults engaged with a somewhat topical message of corporate greed and environmental destruction. Throw in a few voices they might recognize as well so they can be all like “Hey! It’s that guy! Wasn’t he on The Daily Show once?” 3) Pad the running time as much as possible in order to show that this is, in fact, a movie. Maybe throw in a few forgettable music numbers and moar whacky-cute-and-not-at-all-subtle animal hijinks as a sort of wink-wink to the audience. Blammo! Box Office gold!

So I guess the question is, does The Lorax succeed in its mission to entertain? Certainly. Your kids will probably take to it, and I think it would make a pretty good spring board for signing on to certain green causes. I was impressed by the colorfulness of the visuals and a few spots where they turned the camera into a roller coaster ride. However, I also thought that the environmental story was a little too heavy-handed (even though the source material could also be argued as such). From a completely observational standpoint, the constant nagging that humans fucked over the planet grows increasingly tiring and jarring. “Oh, here’s the plot. Time to move things forward!” And then 20 seconds later, “Alright, time to tell everyone how bad humans are to the environment!” Okay. Got it. Thanks.

B

E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial (1982)

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E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial is best known for inspiring at least three things. 1) The North American Video Game Crash of 1983, 2) Drew Barrymore’s descent into the wonderful world of drugs, and 3) the reason I was conceived. Okay, may not; but #1 is true at least. By the way, I’m 30.

The film is about a creepy alien who gets marooned in some California suburb somewhere. He scares the shit out of some poor hapless kid who only wants to get in on some action at his older bro’s D&D table when the kid goes outside to pick up a pizza. Curiosity compels the kid to seek out the creepy alien and with the help of some Reese’s Pieces the kid succeeds in luring the creepy alien into his house where he intends to keep him as some kind of toy or plaything forever and ever. It’s a playful sort of fairy tale where we see a sentient being of superior intellect get lost in the humdrum goings-on of adolescent life while being stashed away like some Teddy Bear in a little girl’s closet. Good things aren’t meant to last forever, though, and soon we see our creepy alien hero pining for the good old days of space-faring in the great beyond.

E.T. is a fine film that arguably put Spielberg on a bigger map than Indiana Jones and JAWS combined. It’s more casually paced and family-focused than those two efforts and definitely exposes Spielberg’s range as both a director and a producer. It has all the sort of things that you’d expect to see in a Spielberg movie: iconic visuals, time-expanding editing, creative use of foreshadowing, and some fairly impressive visual effects; not to mention one of the greatest bicycle chase scenes in cinematic history. That sequence inspired me to want to ride around the country side on my own bike, jumping over dirt mountains and powering down ravines. As an 8 years-old boy it’s easy to think that taking flight with a bicycle isn’t that far fetched. Overall it’s not a bad movie by any means and it still holds up just fine even today.

I kind of wonder what would have happened if E.T. would have descended into the forests of Tennessee or Kentucky. Do you think he would’ve had his head blown off? What if he landed in Saudi Arabia? This kind of shit keeps me up at night. Mr. Spielberg, I beseech you: E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial demands a sequel! Perhaps one where he lands in the ruins of Babylon and some asshole throws an IED at his feet. I could see the marquee now: E.T. 2: Intergalactic Apocalypse. With the tag line This Summer: The 4-Horsemen Will RIDE. And then Bruce Willis will be all like “Phone THIS home, motherfucker!” or something. Reviewing movies is hard.

A

My Girl (1991)

My Girl is a family comedy about a girl who is a neurotic, compulsive liar.  The year is 1972 and she lives in a funeral home with her dad, her mum having passed right around the time she was born.  Governed by a maternal guilt complex, she treats her one and only friend Thomas J. like crap while pining for the love of her teacher.  Over the course of the summer, her dad meets Jamie Lee Curtis and the two of them really hit it off.  Naturally, she despises Ms. Curtis and she grows ever more distant, almost to the point of lashing out.  So funny!

What’s remarkable about this film is that it gets away with things you probably don’t see anymore.  There is a particular sequence where the girl joins a “creative writing” class so she can further lust after her teacher.  During that scene there is a weird love-triangle thing going on and she watches the teacher squirm as another, older, hotter hippie chick recite a dirty, dirty poem whilst basically touching herself.  Luckily, things don’t go much further than that; it was probably thrown in to pepper the story with some adult humor so your dad has something to look at.

Overall, it’s a decent movie.  It deals with death and loss on a level that kids may not understand completely when they are that age.  While not completely mind blowing, it’s still a powerful theme that I think resonates with that whole ‘cherish every moment’ cliche pretty well.  Just make sure they’re ready for the waterworks.

B