Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Directed by: Tim Burton

There are probably a few things one should consider when one fucks around with someone whose hands are made of scissors. The first and most important issue is that THE DUDE’S HANDS ARE MADE OF SCISSORS. The other things are negligible in light of this fact, actually. If one’s precautions aren’t on full alert by now, nothing more can be said or done that could improve one’s survival odds.

It might also do some good to think through a decision to invite a dude whose scissors are hands into your house to sleep in your beautiful teenage daughter’s waterbed a little more carefully. This is especially true if there is a hide-a-bed (and ample space, booze) in the basement. If you need to raise a 20 year-old manchild that looks like a manic-depressive serial killer–and who wouldn’t–segregating him from your children for at least a week is probably the most practical idea. Dude’s gotta acclimate first.

Should a guy with scissors for hands be allowed to love? Gosh, I don’t know. Probably. Should a teenage girl start swooning over him within a week of his arrival, especially after her first meeting with him, where he is laying nervously in her bed, watching her undress while his scissors splay toward the ceiling? Meh, just laugh it off at a family reunion later or something. But it’s completely out of the question to have him carve a gigantic–no, COLOSSAL–block of ice into a swan in the middle of warm summer night. That’s where I draw the line, movie. Where did the ice come from? Where did he get that giant ladder? How can Winona Ryder be the only one who sees him going to town on this thing and making all kinds of noise? What would her pent up melodrama look like without an epic soundtrack and slo-mo camera present? Why are the neighbors such catty bitches? Why has the dilapidated evil mansion on the hill not been turned over to the city or a groundskeeper or meth addicts? I demand answers, dammit!

B

Chasing Amy (1999)

I generally have a difficult time rating a movie if I see the main character morph into a prick.  It’s not something I see that often so it certainly stands out and it’s kind of a trope I like.  Movies like this rely heavily on their leads having the ability to lead well both through writing and the actual performing.  A perfect job renders everything transparent, and so it begins where I wonder if the lead has always been a prick from the start.  Does he make a change at the end?  Does he learn his lesson?  Is he likable enough for me to give a crap?  These things are important to me because in the end my reviews are based on how I feel after the movie is over.

Chasing Amy is a movie that has put me into this line of thinking.  It’s about two asshole comicbook maker guys: one is a major homophobe while the other is a super conservative and inexperienced douchenozzle. One day at the club they encounter a slinky and charming lesbian.  The douche falls for her almost immediately and they end up in a rocky and short-lived relationship that culminates in his questioning of her shady and mysterious past that basically paints her as a whore.  It’s not a very funny movie in spite of taking place in Kevin Smith’s View Askew universe where Jay & Silent Bob hail from.

Instead, this movie makes a push as the oscar bait.  It’s full of thoughts and feelings and melodrama and homophobic slurs and two of the biggest asshole characters I’ve seen in a while.  The thing is, no one mentioned to Kevin Smith that Ben Affleck sucks at carrying a movie (as the leading man, not the director–I heard he’s quite good at that).  It has some good writing and dialogue that just gets pissed down the drain due to Affleck’s staggering starchiness.  Maybe that’s what Kevin wanted when making this movie: it has a respectable level of discomfort but I think Damon or even Lee would’ve made a much better lead.

Also: Ben’s hair looks face-punchingly stupid.

B-