Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom (1984)

Indiana Jones & the Temple o’Doom is a brand new adventure of the world renowned adventurous badassiest archiest whippingest muscliest hattiest archaeologist, directed by Steven Spielberg. This time, Indy (or is it Indie?) finds himself stranded somewhere in India with a little Chinese sidekick and a gold-digging harpy. While trying to get back to civilization, he happens upon a little Indian village whose inhabitants are starving because thieves have stolen a magic rock and are using it to worship some blood god that likes human sacrifice. Indiana Jones decides that helping these poor helpless people would be a terrible idea and totally ignores them and rides a camel back to Delhi in probably the quirkiest plot twist ever.

I’m kidding; he does help them out and discovers the titular Temple o’Doom along the way. Wouldn’t it have been cool though if we just watched Indy ride on a plane the whole time? It would be like 12 Angry Men where all the action boils down to the human drama that occurs while riding in coach. Alas, what we get instead is a heaping dose of racism interspersed with gratuitously awesome violent spots that this series has become known for the world over. You just can’t get any more sophisticated than a flaming hot skewer through the gut or a guy ripping another guy’s heart out of his chest Tenochtitlanian style. Or how about the fat Indian dude eating the monkey brains for dessert or whatever, belching loudly like some terribly lazy fat oaf? Talk about offensive!

This movie is very dark and gruesome and violent and racist and dark. There is absolutely no way something like it could ever be made ever again–the world is a lot more advanced in terms of cultural understanding than it used to be. Sure, there are some bubba redneck types out there that probably think that people in the Far East are crude bloodthirsty savages but they don’t count. There isn’t a whole lot I can say in terms of making this review make any sense, actually. This is a movie you could like a lot or hate a lot; it all comes down to a matter of taste. And while I do like this movie quite a bit, I don’t think it lives up to the awesomeness of its predecessor.  As the saying goes, Your Mileage May Vary.

B

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark is a movie about two of my favorite things: archaeology and indiscriminate violence. It stars a young Harrison Ford as the illustrious Dr. Indiana Jones, a guy who kicks so much ass for the purposes of action and or adventure that I’ve no choice but to hand in my man-card. I could never be this guy, but I would love to be this guy. I’d love to traipse around the world, diving into obscure ruins, dodging poison darts, killing Nazis in cold blood, or frolic around in the grass the way Indy does; it really helps to woo the ladies.

So the premise of the film is fairly simple: Hitler is fascinated by the occult. He has sent a bunch of Nazi minions to Egypt to uncover the mysterious cosmic artifact known as the Ark of the Covenant. For those of you who don’t know, the Ark is the thingy that Hebrews hoisted around during Philistine times. It is thought to contain the original ten commandments as prescribed to Moses on top of Mt. Sinai, and was believed to bestow unlimited power unto its holders should they decide to raise an army.  Guess the Hebrews should’ve thought of that.  Anyways, Indiana Jones is sent by the U.S. Government to locate the lost Ark before the Nazis do, or else the world faces the greatest danger the world has ever seen: an unstoppable Nazi killing machine. And here I was thinking my job at Wal*Mart was hard.

As far as adventure films go, IJATROTLA is a pretty top notch effort. The story has a very clear beginning, middle, and end, and it’s pretty clear who we are supposed to root for the whole time. Combine that with classic Spielberg direction, where time gets extended in weird places and little tiny details and call-backs bring out the humanity of every character, and you get something that keeps you interested the whole time. It’s not meant to be incredibly deep.  Indy puts on his hat, punches a bunch of guys in the face, and bangs a girl at the end. It’s pretty much a James Bond film, only grittier.  And more awesome.  And with giant rolling balls.  And more awesome.

Also Alfred Molina is in it, which I thought was pretty cool.

A